To be frank, I’m not sure if I’m a natural newsletter writer. At some points in my life putting words on the page or screen can be hard; and right now is one of those times. Partially it’s been due to changes, changes everywhere: my husband and I recently moved into a rent-stabilized apartment, the sort of thing you apply for, ignore, and by the time it becomes a reality, you have to scramble a bit. Turns out we had lived in our previous apartment for five years, without me even noticing. We had no plans to move as life was tumultuous enough without adding that stressor, but in this case, moving chose us.
In the weeks before our move, our landlord was around quite a bit. She was trying to renovate the place so that it’d rent quickly. It wasn’t working. She took over our terrible kitchen and painted everything white. She told us stories about how she got her beautiful, historic buildings, back when Greenpoint was gritty and tough. Turns out that our apartment was an old single resident occupancy, filled with tenants who’d beat up the previous landlord when he came around for rent. She never mentioned what changed, once she took over the place.
What I took from that story was something quite simple: no wonder life had thrown a lot of capital-E events at me and Stu in the past five years. Sage and palo santo all you want to, you can’t get out the vibes in a place when it’s too old or too withered.
Our new place is a radically different space. I’d describe it as “fancy hotel suite.” It is post-vibes and post-stuff. It has literally no personality, in a way that feels like a nice blank canvas at this moment. It has amenities that I have merely been dreaming about for years - a dishwasher, a truly decadent tub. It’s amazing how much these options have improved my quality of life. Our porch space lets us garden, eat outside, watch the sun and moon rise and fall, and observe nature in a way that’s rare in a New York City space. I’ve already been feeling more centered and I have been adding more pleasure to my life. It’s very nice.
With this new place, and the first spring where I haven’t had mildly traumatic outpatient surgery in a year, and new opportunities around the corner, and a brain that is starting to heal itself after time deep in the woods, I thought it would be a great time to switch over to Substack. I like its look and its directness. I do not plan to ever have this be a subscription newsletter, I’m not focused enough yet and I want my family to read my words. If this becomes a “hot Netflix picks” newsletter, that state may change.
I lost my full-time job in December of last year, and I’m still un- and underemployed. It was a bit of a shock to the system: I was working hard in a situation that was quickly growing untenable, and I had blinders onto the various ways in which it was cruel, but I wanted to be working in this position for years. That was my vision, at least. Without this job, I’m taking a lot less Xanax. Now I’m not sure what I see in the future when it comes to work and purpose. I’ve been using the word “liminal” a lot and it’s pretty insufferable. If it was 1995 I would be moving into magazines, like I’ve wanted to for years but media is crashing. Last week I met a failed journalist who is having an easier time in his life as a professional pundit (for evil!) and it’s like … this is where we’re at? I’ve also noticed that I’m not very good at describing what I’m up to right now, which just feels deadly in this era where success can breed success and branding yourself as a successful vital voice could help everything snowball.
The format of this newsletter will probably change and shift with my moods and discipline. (Question: do I have discipline, do I want discipline, do I exercise discipline in the proper hustling millennial way?) But as I’d like my family to know about some of the things I’ve written recently, and I hate Facebook, I will at least be including links to current freelancing features and essays. I will definitely start adding stuff by other folks, but not this week. I have, alas, a backlog.
Recent Features:
Buzzfeed: On Sally Rooney’s Normal People
On the state of millennial weddings in 2019
Vanity Fair: On the 20th anniversary of all-time classic movie Election, via an interview with Alexander Payne
Longreads: On a forbidden relationship with a cat