Fine
March has always been a weird, loaded month for me on a personal level as it’s the anniversary of my mother’s death. This March marks the fifth anniversary, and as I am hunkering down, sheltering-in-place in New York with my husband because of COVID-19, I keep getting reminded of those days. Time moved slower. You felt suspended between a now and an after. Dread was a part of it as well.
COVID-19 is not unlike watching your mother on her deathbed. The days feel similar: you’re waiting for the wave to crash, and you’re waiting for what life will be like after. It messes with your head.
I hadn’t written much more than those previous two paragraphs, because it’s hard to verbalize grief. But I read a piece this week in the Harvard Business Review that spoke to me. Maybe it will speak to you as well.
From an interview with David Kessler:
“We’re also feeling anticipatory grief. Anticipatory grief is that feeling we get about what the future holds when we’re uncertain. Usually it centers on death. We feel it when someone gets a dire diagnosis or when we have the normal thought that we’ll lose a parent someday. Anticipatory grief is also more broadly imagined futures. There is a storm coming. There’s something bad out there. With a virus, this kind of grief is so confusing for people. Our primitive mind knows something bad is happening, but you can’t see it. This breaks our sense of safety. We’re feeling that loss of safety.”
It’s been an extremely weird day (has the President misinterpreted my husband’s work for his own gain? Yes he has), week, year. But I do plan on using this space more. Let’s talk soon. And please - if you’re feeling crazy at this time, feel free to talk to me. I know what’s good on streaming and I am familiar with grief.